Copyright Carelessness

Another Gem of McDonald’s Piracy

A few weeks ago I found these gorgeous McEggs at the local supermarket…

McAwesome! But Jade Garden Jewelry has also jumped on the McBandwagon.

Clearly, there’s a new Beijing logo-piracy McMovement.

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Lost in Translation

A Sweet Series of Chinglishy Gift Fails

Christmas wrapping paper always works well. Especially for Papa Pickles’ belated birthday present…

But the wrapping paper turned out to be a little more generic than we’d expected.

And the greeting card, which Woo bought in Bangalore, turned out to have a rather unexpected adhesive.

That’s right, as in the maxi pads.

At least we didn’t have to lick it, I guess…

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Other Obscura

When You Have No Clothes Line…

…why not use a bicycle parking lot? (My hybrid was hidden under there, somewhere.)

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Offbeat Museums

Speaking of Revolution at The Beijing Police Museum

“Have you heard about the coup?”

“Only that there may have been one.”

The Professor and I were making our way through Beijing’s Police Museum, a few blocks from where a coup would have happened. We’d already broken the door of a fake interrogation cell, and almost knocked over a motorcycle. We shouldn’t have been talking about such sensitive matters as well. But we seemed to be the only visitors, and the few guards weren’t paying attention.

“I have a friend who works for a Chinese newspaper,” he continued. “I rang to ask her about it. See if she knows what happened.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, when I said the word ‘coup,’ music started playing. We’d been cut off.”

In China, you hear these things all the time. Phone calls go dead with the spoken word “jasmine.” Internet connections terminate with a search for “1989.” My blog will be blocked again in China. Certain topics don’t exist.

Sometimes the cultural revolution doesn’t exist. But at this museum, it was a cause to be championed. Over 100 Beijing police officers were wrongly executed for “counter-revolutionary” crimes. Thousands more were tortured, or sent down. The chief of police died without ever being cleared of his weak accusations.

Alongside the uniforms and badges of the executed officers, there were also horrific photos of mass executions. The photos showed men tied to stakes at the Worker’s Stadium, prepped for bullets to the head.

I felt sick. The Worker’s Stadium is a few blocks from my home. Beijing GuoAn have weekly soccer matches there. I’d seen Cui Jian, China’s revolutionary rocker, play a massive show there.

“40,000 people witnessed the executions,” a sign read. The stands were packed. For Cui Jian, the stadium had been comparatively empty.

Other pictures scattered through the museum were just as difficult. One showed a flayed woman, held upright by two Qing Dynasty men. They wore queues and skull caps, while her breasts and thighs had been carved off. Another photo showed eight women’s corpses, discarded through a house. A body found in the luggage rack of a train. Temple blasts, serial killers in training, amputations and decapitations and more.

“Look at that,” said a woman, pointing to a murder implement in a glass case. Her four-year-old son wasn’t looking. He was fixated on the Professor and me.

Not surprisingly, for all the gore and crime, there wasn’t a mention of 1989. There never is.

In China, we rarely know what’s actually going on. Take the last few weeks for example. Key politicians have disappeared, others have gone into hiding or comas. Tanks may or may not have driven along major thoroughfares. Guns may or may not have fired in the city center. We live in the capital city, and have no idea if the government is fighting a coup.

Outside on the sidewalk, undercover cops stretched into the distance. They stood innocently spaced out every 20 feet. One held a walkie talkie behind his back. Another held a fire extinguisher. When they walked, they marched. Some couldn’t help but stand at attention.

“So how do you say coup,” I asked the Professor.

“政变. 政 as in government, and 变 as in change.”

One of the undercover cops crossed the street. He signaled to another, who signaled back.

I wonder what’s happening in the city where I live.

Beijing Police Museum 北京警察博物馆
36 Dongjiaominxiang, Beijing
010-8522-5001

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Holy Curiosities

Sweet & Holy “No Pissing” Signage

If there’s a wall in India, someone’s planning to treat it like a latrine or a dump.

Official signs, unofficial pleas, it doesn’t matter. Notice the dribbles of urinet spray below.

What if you tried painting a Hindu god or two on the wall? Surely that would help.

Is that spray diarrheal??? Really?!!?!?

In Bangalore, to keep your sidewalks clear, you really need more God. Much more God. In fact, bring all of them!

That’s right: Hindu, Christian and Islamic symbols, arm in arm, side by side, under the banner of a urianate-free sidewalk.

Honestly, who in their right mind would soil all three of these symbols at the same time?

This guy barely drew his crescent, misspelled garbeg, and actually forgot his “don’t” — yet I dare you to drop anything here. Go on… I dare you.

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Holy Curiosities

Jesus and Mary in a Little Indian Boat

It’s Good Friday, and so why not mention this delightful little boat I pass every day? It gives passage to Baby Jesus and Mama Mary, who endlessly sail the open seas of Bangalore’s Shanthinagar district.

Of course, by “open seas” I mean a dirty, dusty, honking, traffic jam. And by “sail,” I mean sits on top of a little concrete chapel.

But what I love is how India can turn a crummy concrete chapel into something so endlessly endearing.

My only question is: why a boat? I guess only the founders of St. Mary’s Chapel Shanthinagar know why…

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Extraordinary Eats

Two Chinese Beers The World Could Live Without

Sitting in the back of my fridge, I just found a pair of abominations: lemon juice beer and pineapple flavor beer. Where they came from, god only knows.

But it was time to get rid of them.

Brewed in Beijing — out in the chic and rural Shunyi, in fact — the Yanjing-brand lemon juice can was filled with nature. Malt, rice, hops, sugar and apparently real lemon juice… I was impressed! Granted, there was “edible flavor,” but the small print insisted “Quality Grade: Excellent.” I was sold.

And yet, it was as hideous as you’d expect. Chemical, plastic, foul, and far too sweet.

“Wow,” said Michelle. “This is great!”

Granted, she hadn’t slept in three days, and was actually hallucinating slightly. She was also sampling alongside a huge slab of chocolate cake. I don’t think that’s how professional tasters work.

“No, it’s fantastic. I really like it.”

She took another sip.

It reminded me of the Chinese nouvelle-flavored potato chips we’d tried, bizarre twists like lobster-cheese, lemon-tea, or cucumber, mass produced for virgin audiences. Those were almost all awful.

And yet the pineapple beer — Great Value brand, but ingredients in Chinese only — was even worse.

I’d suffered a fever as a small child. The same night, my mother had made pineapple upside-down cake. For years I associated pineapples with crushing sickness. This can of beer brought all of that pain flooding back.

“Whoa,” howled Michelle. “This one smells pineapple-y!” She took a sip. “Wow, it’s great! You could serve it at a picnic.”

I was seriously wondering what I’d gotten into. It was crisp and sharp and utterly foul. It overwhelmed the senses with a big rush of intense plastic pineapple sugar.

Michelle took another big bite of chocolate cake. She smiled. She was in heaven.

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Historical Wonders

Obama and Hitler, Together at Last

On sale in the Bangalore airport, right now: Historical Heroes, the complete DVD set. Which of these people doesn’t fit? (Was this produced by Rush Limbaugh????)

That’s right… Che, MLK, Himmler (?), Castro, Hitler, Mussolini and Obama, all under the loving gaze of Obi Wan Gandhi.

In Asia, Hitler isn’t a bad guy. He was a solid leader, who united his people and fought some good battles.

I found a book of biographies of world leaders at a Bangalore temple. It was called Great World Leaders. Hitler’s page opens with the unlikely words, “Adolf Hitler loved children and animals.” It continues to describe his battles, his losses, and even his suicide… but it doesn’t mention the holocaust, concentration camps, or the word “Jew,” once.

After all, what do the Jews have to do with his life story? the Korean kids we’d met in Nazi costumes would probably have agreed.

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Copyright Carelessness

Ain’t Eggs-actly McDonald’s

New eggs from Jenny’s seem a little McFamiliar.

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Offbeat Museums

Steampunk, Eat Your Heart Out in the Basement of Beijing’s Printing Museum

“There’s nothing like that around here,” said a shoe-repair man.

Two waitresses laughed at us, and a woman selling onions gasped. “A watermelon museum?” she asked, “Really?”

So we tried the Printing Museum instead.

It was closed. The 12-foot-tall black doors, the entire four-floor building, was firmly locked. I’d read about a great statue of the father of printing, Bi Sheng, and sprawling planographic exhibits. But it, like the Watermelon Museum, was just out of our grasp.

Until Michelle discovered an unlocked door leading into a basement.

“Let’s go!” she whispered, and rushed down. I followed, unsure.

Down a flight of stairs, through more doorways, down a corridor, and into a massive skylit hall. It was filled with machines: ball-shaking proofing presses, film linearisators, letterpress dusters, and saddle wire binding machines. 1980s computers sat discarded beside 10′-tall dinosaurs of rusting cogs and gears and levers. Presses dripped oil onto blankets shoved beneath them.

Michelle showed me the machine she prints on, then pointed to another.

“But that’s what it’s really like,” she said.

The name of the machine was only one word.

Nice.

Beijing Printing Museum, 中国印刷博物馆
Northwest corner of Qingyuan Lu Subway Stop (Line 4)
Beijing, Daxing, Xinghua Street, 黄村镇兴华北路25号
+86 10 6026 1049 ‎

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Cute & Kawaii, Extraordinary Eats

Hello Kitty Dreams, Hello Awesome Reality

“You ever feel like you’re stuck in a wind-up music box?” Michelle asked. The walls were pink. The waitresses were dressed as dolls. Piano keys tinkled softly. There were balloons and glitter and an off-season Christmas tree. We were trapped in a music box.

That’s how Hello Kitty wants you to feel.

Welcome to Hello Kitty Dreams.

Chefs wear toques under Kitty-dressed walls…

Surfaces are pink or padded or bedazzled or glow…

And little girls pose dutifully over and over again.

The frilly Antoinette cuteness only gets cuter from there. His ‘n Hers Kitty-cupped cappuccinos, flecked with powdered likenesses.

A greasy chicken curry watched over by a plonk of Kitty-rice. Eyes of bean, nose of corn, bow of strawberry jam. (What culinary kawaii kitsch!!!)

And the strawberry mousse? Completely Kitty!

“Where do I start,” worried Michelle. “The ear? The bow tie?” She plunged into the cheek, a triple-stroke of chocolate whisker. Soft sponge deliciousness! And those plates? To die for!

The wonderful Sienna wrote in City Weekend, “They could serve poop, and we’d still love it… Unfortunately, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.” I was sad to read this. But on returning to Beijing, I was thrilled to find their act was perfected. This meal was glorious. Sure, no Maison Boulud… but what do you expect from a Japanese cutesy cat in a Chinese shopping mall?

At least it was better than the ads made it look:

Hello Kitty Dreams Restaurant, Shimao Mall, Gongti Beilu, Beijing, China.

Almost all of these photos were likely taken by the glorious Michelle.

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AO Events, Extraordinary Eats, Lost in Translation

Forgotten Perfume’s Sheep Placenta AIDS Soup (aka Ugliest Menu of 2012?)

Sure, every restaurant may have a maggot-filled dish called Insect Story, and what’s a Chinese restaurant without a Jacopetti-inspired Monkey Head offering (even if it is just a bowl of fried mushrooms).

I don’t know, however, of a single other Beijing restaurant that boasts acquired immune deficiency syndrome sheep placenta soup.

That’s right: AIDS soup, the most improbably-named dish at the inconsolably-named Forgotten Perfume restaurant. The small text opens with the words “A fish sex sweet,” and continues to boast this soup is great for those with “frail body, hepatosplenomegaly, and tuberculosis embolism.”

I’d also like to point out the Ecological Bullfrog Stocking…

and perhaps the meanest fish I’ve come across, the Oriental Sheatfish.

We didn’t eat there, but we were tempted. Anyone else try it out yet?

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Our Weird Projects, Sweet Movies and Wild Books

A Sweet New Batch of Indian Movie Posters

Visit the Bollywood poster store now

I just got some lo-res photos of the new batch of 20″ by 30″ hand-drawn litho-printed Sandalwood/Kannada movie posters, and they’re fantastic! (If you missed reading about Raju, who draws a new movie poster every three hours, and the 1901 litho machine they’re printed on, go now!)

I have 100 of each of these, so let me know if you’d like one. (If you’re in Bangalore or Beijing, you can have them for free the cost of a coffee. Overseas, I’ll have to charge.) Let me know in the comments below!

My favorite, of course, is the first one…

Jessica Harper, absolutely gorgeous in Dario Argento’s Suspiria:

Nicholas Cage wearing his snakeskin jacket, a symbol of his individuality and his belief in personal freedom, in David Lynch’s Wild at Heart:

Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall and Michael Schoeffling in my favorite movie of all time, John Hughes’ (ahem, slightly misspelt) Sixteen Candles. I only regret the absolute absence of Gedde Watanabe as Long Duck Dong.

A strangely puckered Peter Lorre as the sick Grieg-whistling child killer in Fritz Lang’s M. (I just read Lang apparently threw Lorre down a staircase while filming, to rough him up a bit. Fantastic!)

Orson Welles as Harry Lime, suddenly dangerous with his pocketed pistol — it’s a setup! — in Carol Reed’s awesome The Third Man. Where’s Holly Martins? Probably drunk under the table again.

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Our Weird Projects, Sweet Movies and Wild Books

India’s Incredibly Cool Hand-Drawn Movie Posters

Visit the Bollywood poster store now

Ramachandraiah prints movie posters for a living. He’s done it ever since 1971, when he bought an ancient lithograph press. He keeps it in a factory north of Bangalore, far from the English town where it was built 111 years ago.

Most movie posters here are lavish. They’re digitally-printed, full-color, and reach up to 30 feet long.

Ramachandraiah’s posters aren’t.

His are five-color, hand-drawn, and measure just 20 inches by 30 inches. They’re printed on thin paper, and illegally slapped up on building sites and highway overpasses late at night. They cost pennies to print. And they’re absolutely gorgeous.

Continue reading »»

Posted on by Dean Pickles / 92 Comments
Offbeat Museums, Theme Parks

Chinese Freak Shows: An Age-Old New Years Tradition

Two-headed ladies! Ladies with tails! Big-headed ladies and snake-eating ladies and elephants, too!

All this, for only 75 cents!

Every year, for Chinese New Year, these tents appear across the country. This one was in rural Shanxi Province. Outside, an old lady counted her renminbi in the cold. She shouted out “Five kuai!”

She completely ignored the monkey on the swing.

Continue reading »»

Posted on by Dean Pickles / 2 Comments